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Thread: Why I want to do the singlehanded transpac

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    166

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    This is an interesting thread.

    About a month ago, I posted a brief post on why I am not racing in ‘08. I finished that post with a statement that I was willing to do anything I could on the ’08 race committee but would not be on the race deck at the start. About two weeks ago I experienced what, for me, was a breakthrough moment. Anyone who has done or is preparing to do the TransPac knows that before, during and after, the race is an all-consuming commitment. During the four years I invested in ‘04 and ’06, I thought about the race, literally, every day: often many times a day.

    Two weeks ago, the thought, as it had many times, concerned my being towed by the Coast Guard cutter, Sockeye, from a point 80 miles west and 20miles north of Point Reyes to Bodega Bay. That’s how my return trip from Hanalei ended. This wasn’t a scenario that had occurred to me before either race.

    That part of the ‘06 experience haunted me for the last 18 months. The fact that I had been towed in by the Coast Guard left me with a feeling of failure and shame. I imagined that the other racers would be embarrassed by the incident, and I would lose the right to count myself among them. I imagined that sailors like Haulback, Harrier, Tiger Beetle and…………..eventually everyone, would think of me as a pariah. I almost skipped the really great party that Alchera threw after the race because I didn't want to talk about it.

    The only time I actually did talk about it with another racer was about a week after I got home and got a call from Sail La Vie. I was still quite fried and ended up telling him every excruciating detail: the dead engine, the dying battery bank, the broken wind vane, the gale, getting hit by the cutter when they were trying to pass me the tow line, getting drenched, twice, by waves that broke over the stern, hand steering for six hours to keep Ergo lined up behind the cutter, 43 out of 49 days offshore, Sara, my wife, not recognizing me when she came to pick me up at the restaurant in Bodega (I’d lost 28 pounds since the start of the race, hadn’t shaved in 3 weeks and looked like a homeless person) etc. Phil laughed his ass off; so did I. He’ll never know how grateful I am for that.

    Two weeks ago, I thought about waking up during that tow at about 3:00 am because Ergo wasn’t moving and everything was quiet. When I’d left the helm at around 1:00 am and asked Sockeye if I could change into some dry clothes and get some sleep, they’d said ok but that I should call them on channel 68 every hour. I passed out, didn’t call and they tried raising me for almost an hour on VHF. They then decided that they needed to see what had happened to me. That’s about when I woke up.

    I climbed up to the cockpit and looked at Sockeye idling about 100 yards away. It was all lit up. Flashing blue lights, white lights, halogen lights on the rear deck, crew shouting and running around. If a troop of chimps had boarded Ergo at that point, I would have fit right in. I could have stood there with the chimps thinking “Bright lights – pretty” I might even have qualified as the alpha chimp by taking the thought to another level “Bright lights – pretty – I wonder what this means?

    Sockeye deployed an inflatable that scooted back to me and a Coastie stepped aboard. I was happy to see him but had no idea why he was paying me a visit. I was still in the “Bright lights – pretty” loop. The coastie came aboard, I welcomed him, he decided that I wasn’t a danger to myself or others and I went below fell asleep and he sat in the cockpit and kept an eye on me.

    Two weeks ago it occurred to me that when the Coast Guard showed up I was done, completely done. I was past exhausted, slightly hypothermic and had the mental acuity of a lower primate. More importantly, it occurred to me that the extraordinary community of people who are the Singlehanded TransPac never made me feel judged nor found me wanting.

    Following this epiphany, I told Sara, my wife, that I truly felt ok about not racing this time. If I had raced, it would have really been about making up for that tow. After eighteen months of regret over taking the tow, I’ve accepted that the chimp that was sailing Ergo at that point might not have gotten her home. I told Sara that I was ok with not racing because “I didn’t feel like I had anything to prove” by doing it.

    I’m planning on being on the race deck on July 12, 2008 and being really excited for the folks that are going out the Gate. It’s an amazing experience. Have fun.

    I might race again in 2010 but it won't be to prove anything then either.

    Bill Merrick

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    San Francisco Bay Area
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    2,095

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    Possibly the worst moment in the last decade of my life was the five seconds about 3:00 Sunday afternoon, after the 2004 SHTP start, when I went down below and watched the hull of my boat flexing in and out about 6 inches every time we pushed into a wave. The bow sections would flex in and pop out, about every 20 seconds or so. It must have been doing that for the last 30 hours.

    I stuffed sailbags...anything I could to pad that motion, and it sunk into my head that my TransPac was over. The gale was easing, but the seas were still big. If I kept going I'd probably die. I tacked over and headed back to California, putting the load on the other side of the hull, sailing for Morro Bay.

    It was getting dark when I realized that the two waves that had broken in the cockpit saturday afternoon had leaked into my ignition key opening, shorted the ignition circuit and flattened both the batteries. I had no electricity. What I didn't know until two weeks later was that somehow it had also screwed up my alternator, which was shorted out and ALSO was draining my batteries. I was 180 - 200-odd miles out with no juice and I had to sail back into the gale I had almost sailed out of. That night was horrible. it was WORSE than the gale we sailed out into after the start.

    That night I was almost run down by something big. I remember the lights. I found out that I couldn't go aback with two reefs in and a storm jib, the storm jib wasn't big enough to balance the helm. I wound up lying ahull. The next morning was flat-dead calm by late-morning. I sat and went nowhere, about 30 miles off the coast. I used one armband strobe for SOME sort of light that night. Still, no wind, and the battery on the armband strobe died. I had extras, I could have shown that armband strobe for 4-5 mights, but I was getting in close enough that I didn't want to be using strobes if I could help it. I spent about 5 hours trying to resurrect my gasoline DC generator to get some charge in the boats batteries. The motor wouldn't start. I disassembled the whole thing, it refused to start. I finally broke down and cried like a toddler for a good hour. I finally used the sat phone to call Coast Guard Group Morro Bay. They came out in a flat-dead calm and hauled me into Morro Bay. I've never been so humiliated in my life.

    About four days later, after replacing the ignition switch and sort-of beefing up the hull I decided to try for Monterey. I didn't realize that the alternator was shot and was draining my batteries. I figured that I'd charged them up on a battery charger, really topped them off and I had lights for at least 3-4 nights. In fact I had lights for half a night. I left around noon. That night it blew 30 knots, easy and the fog was so thick I couldn't see 50 feet.

    For three days it was whisper quiet all day long and blew 30 knots on the nose all night, with pea soup fog. I had no lights and no autopilot and was always on edge, not trusting the structural integrity of the boat. It was fucking MISERABLE to not trust the boat. Thank god for the Navik. I finally got past Point Sur, about 4-5 miles off the point, not by sailing by it, but because the waves were SO steep in minimal wind, that for about 8-9 hours we slammed around and the the kinetics of the boat drove us forward. The boat was so thrashed around that the wind had no effect, the sails couldn't catch any of it. It was the longest day I have ever spent on the water. There were ghosts of breeze....and

    t...hen we finally got a few miles north of Point Sur and the wind totally died off of the Bixby Creek bridge. It was millpond smooth and we were about 4 miles out. I watched another sailboat go by me about a mile to seaward, heading for Monterey. I just cried my eyes out again, I was so tired and discouraged. I finally broke down and called the Coasties on the sat phone again. I wasn't very nice to the Coasties. I didn't cuss them out but I wasn't exactly pleasant. They refused to get me, so I called Vessel Assist. A couple of hours later I got picked up for the 5 hour tow to Monterey. That cost about $1,200. AGAIN, towed into Port.

    And now I had to get on an airplane and fly to Hawaii and hang with my friends from the SSS who had completed their races, and put on a brave smile for my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. They had all gone to Hawaii because I was going to sail there. I almost lost it in the Awards Ceremony when Bill Charron gave me the Transpac belt buckle, though I coughed out a memorable speech if I remember rightly. I kept the vest and the little plaque, but I quietly left the belt buckle on the table.

    Joan and I spent another week on Kauai, and had a nice vacation. When we came back I went back down to Monterey and spent the rest of my allotted time off repairing the boat so that I could sail it back up the coast to San Francisco.

    Those days, from the moment I went down below and saw the hull flexing, to the morning after the tow into Monterey, were horrible. They were a nightmare, and some of the worst days of my life. I have not been the same person since then, and the truth is that sailing is no longer a joyful thing for me. It's unfinished business, a challenge, something I have to do, but not so much something I WANT to do any more. I am sailing to Hawaii so that I don't have to listen to the word "failure" in my head when I look at myself in the mirror. I've written this before.

    The truth of all this was driven home to me this past year when I wasn't spiritually and psychically able to hang tough and finish the 2007 LongPac. It wasn't dangerous out there, it was calm and quiet and easy. But I couldn't do it. I spent the entire race waiting for some horrible thing to happen. I managed to enjoy one sunny afternoon, but the rest of the time I was just sick with worry, waiting for whatever god-awful thing was gonna happen. Having a malfunctioning VHF radio didn't help. When I sat becalmed for 8 hours I just packed it in.

    I'm glad I managed to re-qualify later. My head and heart have settled and I'm not a bundle of nerves offshore any more. But the 2007 LongPac was no fun.

    I am hoping that when the TransPac is over, and maybe during the sailing of it, I'll find some real joy in sailing again, but the honest truth is that I just want it to be over. I want to cross the finish line, earn the belt buckle, and have done what I set out to do fifteen years ago. I don't care where I finish, I don't care where I place or who I beat. I just want it to be OVER; Start the race, do the race, finish the race. To get there, I have work to do.

    .....Not the usual reason for sailing to Hawaii.
    Last edited by AlanH; 02-14-2008 at 03:23 AM.
    1968 Selmer Series 9 B-flat and A clarinets
    1962 Buesher "Aristocrat" tenor saxophone
    Piper One Design 24, Hull #35; "Alpha"

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    San Francisco Bay Area
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    BTW, that's why I sold the Santana 3030. I had fixed her up well enough that she probably could have made it across to Hawaii. But I didn't trust her any more, and I know from 5 days experience what it's like to be alone on a boat you don't trust in rigorous conditions.

    I'd trust her on the Bay, I sailed the boat for several months, including two Farallones races and she was fine. So I sold her with good conscience to a guy who will almost certainly never take her out the Gate.. But the trust was gone.

    That's why I bought the SC27. How many SC27's have done this race? Lots.
    1968 Selmer Series 9 B-flat and A clarinets
    1962 Buesher "Aristocrat" tenor saxophone
    Piper One Design 24, Hull #35; "Alpha"

  4. #14
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    Sep 2007
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    166

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    BTW. The genesis of my dead engine and dying batteries was also water infiltrating the key switch and corroding the wiring harness and shorting out the other parts of the system. I've since moved the engine control panel down below. I can't monitor the instruments anymore but I'm pretty sure the damn thing is going to stay dry. I've heard that some skippers have also moved their fuel intakes below for the same reason. Water in the fuel is also a very bad thing.

    The requirement that cockpits be self-draining is for real. I'm considering installing two four inch pipes thru the transom to speed the process. In an offshore gale the cockpit occasionally becomes a bath tub. Look at your cockpit. Imagine it full of water - I mean FULL. Where is the water going to go if it can't drain quickly?

    Are we having fun yet?

    Bill Merrick

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    SoCal
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    49

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    Bill and Alan,
    Thanks much for the thought provoking and emotional messages. I laughed out loud about the "pretty blue lights, wonder what that's all about?" But only because I can relate. The longest I've been out there has been a week but strange things happen don't they?
    The sharing of heartbreak felt (during and after) not being able to complete a dreamed of goal is deeply appreciated. I can kind of relate that to one of trying to complete a trip up Mt.Whitney on my first day hike. I didn't make that one but I did the next two times. Overcoming the anxiety of not accomplishing the feat is at times greater than the reality of the task.

    Rambling,
    Rich
    Horizon
    Contessa 26
    ------------

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    Bill & Alan,

    Incredible stories, thank you so much for posting them. I know it couldn't have been easy. We all go offshore as best prepared as we can be and hoping for the best, but sometimes it just doesn't happen the way we planned. All of us have very similar fears when we go offshore, some of us are lucky that nothing serious materializes. Some of us are not so lucky. Your posts are excellent reminders that what we are doing is not a lark, it's serious business. When things are good, it can be really fun. When they go bad, it can be a nightmare, and a life threatening one. To those who are thinking of doing the STP for the first time, read those posts and think about them hard. Hopefully your preparations will be the better for it.

    Mark/Alchera

  7. #17
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    Sep 2007
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    Bill and Alan,

    Thanks guys. I'm sure you each thought awhile before writing those posts. They add a depth and perspective to this endeavor that is important for us to understand.

    Despite these past experiences, I hope each of you participates in the race again and has such a great time that you want to do it yet again.

    With great respect,
    Bob J.

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